My balloons.. Maybe I could go back and get them. Maybe my mom grabbed them. My first helium balloons, and I got three! How could I forget them?
I was at my best friend Savana’s house when I realized I had forgotten my preschool graduation present back at the school. I was devastated. When I got home, I looked in my room to see if my mommy had remembered to grab them for me. She forgot. That's ok, I thought to myself, I can just get them when I go back to school after summer break. Being five-years-old, I did not understand that helium did not last forever. When my mom told me by the time the weekend was over my balloons would be deflated, I was crushed. When my mom told me I would not be going back to preschool, I was heartbroken. I loved preschool, my teachers and my friends. I did not want to go to any other school ever!
Over the course of the summer, I forgot that I would not be attending the same school in the fall. I had a fabulous summer doing whatever little Shayna did. I probably played with Barbies for two months. When I started shopping for new school supplies towards the end of July, I was terrified. I HATED the idea of going to a new school to meet new people and make new friends. I did NOT want to go, but just like all five-year-olds, I went to kindergarten.
I can remember walking into Park Elementary school with wobbly knees, sweaty hands, and tears rolling down my cheeks because I was petrified of such a large, new place. This was the first really big change of my life. I went to my new school crying for weeks. I HATED school. After a while, however, I made new friends, I obtained a new routine, and I learned to love school. I loved my friends and my teachers; I loved it all.
Fast forward two years, I am in second grade, and I did not want to leave Park. I did, and ended up loving Hulet Elementary School even more. When the end of fifth grade came around, I did not want to leave Hulet, but I did and loved the Holbrook Jr. High more. I never wanted to leave what I had because from a very young age, I was afraid of change. Change has always been a hard thing for me to handle because of its unpredictability. Whenever I know a big change is approaching, I handle it the way I handle everything else in my life: PROCRASTINATION. I try very hard to procrastinate my feelings, but I have learned that even feelings have a deadline. I have successfully procrastinated my feelings about graduation for years now, but sadly the deadline is near…
When I got into high school, all I wanted to do was graduate. I have always loved the idea of being in college and out on my own. When I thought about this moment in my life, I only thought of the positives.
- College boys
- Late nights
- Adventures
- Meeting new people
- College boys
- A new school
- A new city
- New school colors
- College boys
I never once thought about:
- Money
- My major
- Which college I would attend
- Money
- Leaving my friends
- Leaving my family
- Leaving my teachers
- The stress of not having money
My freshman year, I ultimately built a dam to block my fears and worries about May of 2016. Well now it is May 2016, my dam has broken, and my feelings are flooding my mind. I am so scared it is ridiculous.
The closer I get to graduating the more I start feeling like little Shayna leaving preschool, but 1,000,000 times worse. The scariest part about graduating is that I am not sure how to feel. I AM ready to go to Utah and start a new life, but am I ready to leave my life here in Holbrook? I AM ready to meet new people, but am I ready to not see my family, Alexandra, and the rest of my friends? I AM ready to go learn more about this world and about myself, but am I ready to leave behind everyone who has already taught me so much? I AM ready, but am I ready?
Yes I am.
I have fallen head over heals in love with life. I have found it to be absolutely wonderful. Life is not always perfect or easy, but it is always beautiful. Right now, I am the most stressed, anxious, and terrified I have ever been in my entire life, but I was also afraid going into kindergarten, Hulet, and jr. high, but I found them all to be better than the previous school. Every time I leave something behind, something better has always come along. If I am this scared, I know something absolutely wonderful is right around the corner, and I cannot wait to see what it is.
With all of these feelings flooding my mind I am learning one thing more and more every day.
Be present.
Right now, I am the youngest I will ever be. If I am always looking forward to tomorrow I will surely miss today. My goal for these next two weeks, and for the rest of my life, is to be present. I know life can get stressful and overwhelming, but do not miss out on today because of fear of tomorrow. I am in love with life and I cannot wait to see what it has in store for me and all of the wonderful people in my life. 
Wow, Shayna that was very inspirational! I believe that the entire senior class can relate to your feelings about basically starting a new life in college, because most of us are so far away from our families and from what we are familiar with that it really does get overwhelming. Of course, we all handle our emotions in very different ways and I feel that we all do our own share of procrastinating when it involves graduation. I have been so absorbed in my school assignments that I almost forgot to order my cap and gown. That would have been terrible! I enjoyed the timeline effect that your blog had and going through it made me feel like I was there experiencing it alongside you. Thank you for that, Shayna. Like you mentioned we are all the youngest we will ever be and because of that we need to hold onto those childhood memories as we grow up and continue our journey’s in life.
ReplyDeleteThis is a great blog Shayna. I can relate so much to it especially while thinking about the positives and not the negatives. It's scary leaving a place you're so familiar with to a place that is yet to be discovered.
ReplyDeleteWe all conpleted the first stages of life, but our parents were always there for us. Unfortunately, this is a stage where we have to more independent. Life and changes get easier over time, I believe.
However, luckily for our generation, it is a lot easier to stay in touch with people. Life will have it's ups and downs for all of us, but it is up to us to keep our chins up high and accept where life will take us, even if it is in different directions of our love ones.
Your blog is well written and relates to many of us.
I remember my first day of Kindergarten. I walked into Mrs. Jackson’s class with my Kim Possible rolling backpack and was so nervous to leave my mom. It’s crazy to think back to my adolescent days and how I couldn’t wait to graduate. Senior year felt like an eternity away. I loved the line in your blog, “I try very hard to procrastinate my feelings, but I have learned that even feelings have a deadline. I have successfully procrastinated my feelings about graduation for years now, but sadly the deadline is near…” You’re right in describing the feeling that you don’t know how to feel, excited or sad, but whether we want it or not the time is here. This blog was an amazing read, it is a topic that we can all relate too but you made this topic your own. Thanks for sharing Shay!
ReplyDeleteI keep thinking I'm so ready for college, then other people tell me their worries, and I'm like, "Oh crap! I'm worried about that too!" Thanks Shayna :/ Jk, jk. Your blog was great, and I loved it. The more I think about graduation, the more sappy and sentimental I get, which is not okay. I'm going to miss this school and all the friends I made, but like you, I'm totally ready for the next step in my life. Great things are coming for all of us.
ReplyDeleteAs a side note, look how little we were! Look at baby Shayna and little baby twins and little baby Tanner. I mean I'm all grown up in that picture, but whatever. ;)
Your blogs have been some of the most positive, uplifting things I have read in a long time. I am constantly surprised by how optimistic you can be, despite any struggle you encounter. To be honest, the idea of being "present" never once occurred to me. I always thought I had to plan out things or think ahead. Now, I think I have a better idea on what I should do. I truly enjoyed your blog and think you are going to be extremely successful with your positivity alone.
ReplyDeleteShayna every week I look forward to reading your blog, and it's kind of sad that I have to constantly remind myself that I can't always just read your blog, because girl you sure do have some beautiful things to say. You have this incredible gift of being able to say everything that everyone else in the same situation as you can't find the words to say. Best wishes to you and thank you so much for sharing all the wonderful stories you have. Every one who knows you knows that you will go out into this world and continue to brighten up the lives of all the people you come into contact with, just as you did at every single school you attended. Try not to worry too much everything has a way of working itself out.
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