Dixie State Here I Come

My balloons..  Maybe I could go back and get them. Maybe my mom grabbed them. My first helium balloons, and I got three! How could I forget them?

I was at my best friend Savana’s house when I realized I had forgotten my preschool graduation present back at the school. I was devastated. When I got home, I looked in my room to see if my mommy had remembered to grab them for me. She forgot. That's ok, I thought to myself, I can just get them when I go back to school after summer break. Being five-years-old, I did not understand that helium did not last forever. When my mom told me by the time the weekend was over my balloons would be deflated, I was crushed. When my mom told me I would not be going back to preschool, I was heartbroken. I loved preschool, my teachers and my friends. I did not want to go to any other school ever!

Over the course of the summer, I forgot that I would not be attending the same school in the fall. I had a fabulous summer doing whatever little Shayna did. I probably played with Barbies for two months. When I started shopping for new school supplies towards the end of July, I was terrified. I HATED the idea of going to a new school to meet new people and make new friends. I did NOT want to go, but just like all five-year-olds, I went to kindergarten.

I can remember walking into Park Elementary school with wobbly knees, sweaty hands, and tears rolling down my cheeks because I was petrified of such a large, new place. This was the first really big change of my life. I went to my new school crying for weeks. I HATED school. After a while, however, I made new friends, I obtained a new routine, and I learned to love school. I loved my friends and my teachers; I loved it all.

Fast forward two years, I am in second grade, and I did not want to leave Park. I did, and ended up loving Hulet Elementary School even more. When the end of fifth grade came around, I did not want to leave Hulet, but I did and loved the Holbrook Jr. High more. I never wanted to leave what I had because from a very young age, I was afraid of change. Change has always been a hard thing for me to handle because of its unpredictability. Whenever I know a big change is approaching, I handle it the way I handle everything else in my life: PROCRASTINATION. I try very hard to procrastinate my feelings, but I have learned that even feelings have a deadline. I have successfully procrastinated my feelings about graduation for years now, but sadly the deadline is near…

When I got into high school, all I wanted to do was graduate. I have always loved the idea of being in college and out on my own. When I thought about this moment in my life, I only thought of the positives.

• College boys
• Late nights
• Adventures
• Meeting new people
• College boys
• A new school
• A new city
• New school colors
• College boys

I never once thought about:

• Money
• My major
• Which college I would attend
• Money
• Leaving my friends
• Leaving my family
• Leaving my teachers
• The stress of not having money

My freshman year, I ultimately built a dam to block my fears and worries about May of 2016. Well now it is May 2016, my dam has broken, and my feelings are flooding my mind. I am so scared it is ridiculous.

The closer I get to graduating the more I start feeling like little Shayna leaving preschool, but 1,000,000 times worse. The scariest part about graduating is that I am not sure how to feel. I AM ready to go to Utah and start a new life, but am I ready to leave my life here in Holbrook? I AM ready to meet new people, but am I ready to not see my family, Alexandra, and the rest of my friends? I AM ready to go learn more about this world and about myself, but am I ready to leave behind everyone who has already taught me so much? I AM ready, but am I ready?

Yes I am.

I have fallen head over heals in love with life. I have found it to be absolutely wonderful. Life is not always perfect or easy, but it is always beautiful. Right now, I am the most stressed, anxious, and terrified I have ever been in my entire life, but I was also afraid going into kindergarten, Hulet, and jr. high, but I found them all to be better than the previous school. Every time I leave something behind, something better has always come along. If I am this scared, I know something absolutely wonderful is right around the corner, and I cannot wait to see what it is.

With all of these feelings flooding my mind I am learning one thing more and more every day.

Be present.

Right now, I am the youngest I will ever be. If I am always looking forward to tomorrow I will surely miss today. My goal for these next two weeks, and for the rest of my life, is to be present. I know life can get stressful and overwhelming, but do not miss out on today because of fear of tomorrow. I am in love with life and I cannot wait to see what it has in store for me and all of the wonderful people in my life.

A Dalmatian Shattered My Heart

Most high schoolers spend their weekends partying with friends and making insane memories. I have never been much of a partier, and after a long, tiring, week, I was ready to spend my Saturday night sleeping. I woke up early Saturday morning to help my church youth group with a service project. After I finished with that, my plan was to go home, work on a few projects, take a nap, finish some homework, and then relax by watching Netflix. About halfway through my service project, I got a call asking if I could babysit that night. Of course I said yes because I did not have a hot date or any amazing plans for that night anyway.

I babysat two little boys. The older of the two had an incredible imagination. He spent the whole night telling me that he was part dalmatian. He would crawl around, scratch at things, and sit on the floor because dogs are not allowed on the couch. He also informed me that his younger brother was part penguin. I played along with this the whole night. When he asked me what animal I was, I told him I was a dolphin. Yes, I spent my Saturday night pretending I was part dolphin. He then starting asking me questions I was not prepared to answer. These questions included:

How do you live outside of water?  

How do you breath?

Where are your fins?

What do you eat?

I tried my hardest to channel my inner child in hopes that I could give him an answer that would satisfy his imagination.

“What do you like to do for fun in the ocean?” This question however, I could answer. I knew exactly what I would do for fun if I were a dolphin living in the ocean. I looked at him and happily answered, “Well, I swim around all the time with my mermaid friends.” The little five-year-old, part dalmatian boy looked me dead in the eyes and through a chuckle said, “Mermaids aren’t real!” I am pretty sure I heard my heart break. I looked back at him and said under my breath, “They could be... “

I was pretty upset after this conversation. Not upset in a way that I was crying or hurt, I was just really upset with myself. Why, at eighteen, did I get upset when a five-year-old boy told me mermaids were not real? Why have I let myself believe something so silly for so long? People have told me for years that I was childish for believing in mermaids, but I have never given it much thought until a boy I was babysitting, on my Saturday night, told me they did not exist.

Why have I let myself believe for so long? I pondered this question for quite sometime, and then the answer came to me.

Because mermaids make me happy.

Today it is May. As of right now, my graduation ceremony will start in eighteen days, twelve hours, twenty-one minutes, and six seconds. When I look back at little Shayna, I laugh. At this point in my life, little Shayna pictured a mature adult with a plan for her life. She pictured a proper woman who was ultimately boring. Never did she once picture who I have actually become. She did not picture an “adult” who still watches Disney Channel and believes in mermaids. When I was younger, I thought I would grow up to be a completely different person; I am glad that is not the case. Of course I have grown up and matured. I have had experiences that have taught me valuable life lessons and I feel I am as ready as one can be to move out. I feel I am ready to tackle the world; however, I am pretty much the same person I was when I was ten.

I still jam out to Hannah Montana in the car. I still dance when I put away dishes, and play air drums to rock songs. I still laugh at knock knock jokes, and sometimes I laugh so hard I pee my pants. I still watch High School Musical and all of the newest animated movies. I still love the Phinaes and Ferb theme song, and hate that Zac Effron and Vanessa Hudgens broke up. #Zanessa4ever I still get excited when my mom buys fruit roll ups. I still believe in Mermaids.

I think something wonderful happens when we feed our inner child. I think it is something we need to do, and do often.

I had this picture as my lock screen for months, as a reminder to not let myself grow up. My biggest fear with leaving for college is that I will forget to do the things that once made little Shayna happy, and that continue to make me happy. I hope when I am eighty I will still sing along to Hannah Montana. I hope I will always believe in magic and in mermaids. My wish for everyone is that we never forget to do these things, the things that make us happy. I hope we all feed our inner child, and that no matter how old we get, we can all find happiness in things from our childhood.